Where did the stiff upper
lip originate? According to
Wikipedia…
“One who has a stiff upper
lip displays fortitude in the face of adversity, or exercises great
self-restraint in the expression of emotion. The phrase is most commonly heard
as part of the idiom ‘keep a stiff upper lip’, and has traditionally been used
to describe an attribute of British people (particularly upper-middle and upper
class), who are sometimes perceived by other cultures as being unemotional. A
sign of weakness is trembling of the upper lip; hence the saying, keep a stiff
upper lip. When someone’s upper lip begins to tremble, it is one of the first
signs that the person is scared or shaken by experiencing deep emotion.” *
So anyone with British
ancestry might be able to evoke a genetic reason for one’s own stoic
posture. But what about members of
American society? Why do
eyewitnesses often feel uncomfortable when in the presence of someone whose face
is distorted due to the seeping of fluid from lachrymal ducts? What is there about it that is
disturbing to witness?
Probably it relates to a
societal condemnation of behaviors that exemplify loss of control. And perhaps sublime appearance is so
coveted that any threat to composure must be suppressed. In the case of a woman, is it objection
to facial collapse and unconcealed slime disrupting the pretty mask of cosmetic
perfection? Emanating from a man,
the overt shedding of tears may simply imply reduction… an impotency of
demeanor that potentially mars the image of “manliness.”
Doesn’t the death of a
beloved companion warrant crippled disorder? What’s wrong with a sloppy face and flaccidity of
spirit? Why can’t people
wear grief on sleeves that are more akin to disheveled weekend attire than
crisp workday starchiness?
Maybe more attention in this
regard should be directed toward the onlookers rather than the mourners.
Certainly, plenty of literature and bereavement facilitators attest to the
value of grieving in whatever manner suits the individual griever. So maybe
it’s the guarded observers, the more peripheral mourners, who need
psychological evaluation and remedial therapy. If conditioned, even as children, to the squelching of raw
emotions and splashes of sadness, what might be done to help folks tolerate and
even promote such announcements of sorrow in others?
Perhaps the most poignant
drift toward attitudinal change is derived from personal loss. When we experience the death of a loved
one, through our own experiences we realize the healing power of tears. Though crying for some folks isn’t a
necessary mourning component, for many it is unavoidable and can’t be stifled –
in spite of what stern and stoic “Uncle Rigormortimer” might think about such
visibly perceptible utterances.
“When someone cries as he
speaks publicly at a funeral service, people in attendance are apt to produce
their own tears of empathy.
Intimate awareness of the raw, excoriating disbelief and despair creates
a stirring or awakening of humanity in the midst of death’s darkness. Such moments are apt to cause an
instantaneous peeling away of the insulating layers of protective coatings. The
potential for reactivated anguish with recollections of one’s own loss remains
close to the surface, probably especially so for people whose own prior
grieving has remained static and incomplete. This transparency of psychic exposure among mourners
engenders a human bond, a sense of connectedness that is rarely matched in
other situations throughout life.
This occasion when perhaps nothing is hidden, artificial, or contrived…
this conspicuous state of emotional nakedness when feelings are unleashed… this
purely humane disclosure can be a poignant affirmation of authentic
convergence, a ‘tie that binds.’ It prompts folks to reach out to the bereaved
and touch them physically, verbally, and through non-spoken gestures as well as
through acts of kindness and compassion.
Their intimate involvement enables individuals who may be feeling
emotionally abandoned by the loss to feel reassured that they are not alone.” *
In the absence of a personal
loss, however, therapeutic support might be rendered more effectively if
individuals examine their ingrained attitudes – beyond those they contrive for
the sake of public display. Consider how one might help offset the emotional
“Botox effect” so that grieving faces can sag. Recognize that just as mourners must take in nutrients for
physical sustenance, for psychological sustenance they need the freedom to let
out expressions. Allow anguish to
be seen. Let unrestrained contortions be exposed. Embolden a flowing of the grieving mind’s rivers. While honoring the dead, honor living
faces drenched in heartache.
As humans, we are supposedly
of a higher order than other creatures on earth. That is, we have greater capabilities that enable us to
accomplish complex functions. Have
you ever seen a squirrel cry? Or a
kangaroo or a cow? In many ways we are blessed by our human potential. So let’s revel in our ability as homo
sapiens to channel and release our feelings through tears. As a mourner, or
when in the company of bereaved individuals, let the floodgates open without
attempting to impose a dam of resistance.
Instead of permitting our internal waterspouts to get rusty, let’s open
up these mechanisms that are ever ready to spring into action and cleanse our
souls.
*Stiff upper lip
reference: Wikipedia
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stiff_upper_lip)
modified on January 25, 2015
*Quoted passage from the
book, Pondering Leaves:
Composing and Conveying Your Life Story’s Epilogue,” Page 22.
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