DIER DRILLS

People keep dying. Everyone knows that every body will inevitably cease to function. Yet a widespread phenomenon of inattention and unpreparedness for this eventuality often causes logistical chaos in the midst of acute grief.

Following a loved one’s death, when in a state of stunned disbelief, disorientation, and disarray, family members are also apt to feel dismayed. Suddenly matters needing to be addressed descend on them like wildfire. Decisions and arrangements must be made. Information is needed. An awareness of what they wish had been communicated to them by the deceased loved one ensues. 

Just as safety upon occurrence of a fire can be secured as a result of previously practiced tactical plans, this aspect of death upheaval can be averted by adopting certain prudent strategies in anticipation of unforeseen death. Everyone at any time can engage in short exercises to amass a collection of operant avenues to be followed by beloved family members who will be grieving. Providing data and details about wishes preemptively is so much easier in contrast to the scavenging that families must undertake when there has been no input and posthumous consultations are impossible.

Of course, any period of time can be chosen for initiation of preparatory measures. But pinpointing a month affords structure for initiation of a timeline to encourage diligence and the likelihood of goal fulfillment.

October has been earmarked as National Fire Prevention Month — a time when countrywide attention is directed toward raising fire safety awareness to ensure families have a plan and are ready for the unexpected. In the same vein, since October 30th has been designated as “Create A Great Funeral Day,” maybe this is also an appropriate month to direct attention to “demise surprise” prevention. Taking proactive end-of-life steps will ensure families have a plan and are ready for the unexpected. 

Within the framework of a calendar, prescribed activities can be broken down into manageable objectives: 

DEMISE SURPRISE PREVENTION MONTH

Choose any day of the month to begin a process of intention leading to realization. Identify measured portions of desired actions for incremental fulfillment of goals. Begin with a loosely designated time frame of four weeks, but be prepared to alter it as circumstances dictate. 

DAY 1 

Inform family that you are participating in a community campaign to prevent demise surprise. That is, you have committed to doing whatever you can to prepare ahead of time for the end of your life so your family won’t need to tear their hair out figuring out what to do when the time comes. Ask for ongoing feedback as you compile material for them, consulting them as needed during the  process. 

DAY 2

Set aside a few minutes to imagine today’s probable scenario if you had died yesterday. What would be going on among your family members and close companions? Presuming they would be engaged in all sorts of tasks and decision-making related to your death, identify actions you could take now to make it easier for them. With this in mind, compose your own customized “to do” list that reflects your circumstances and wishes; if you favor structure, format it as a checklist with lines preceding each entry. 

DAY 3

Decide on a reasonable period of time to set as a goal for completion of the tasks you have identified… if not a month, then within what delineated time frame? Choose one easy mission to complete today. Then place a checkmark next to the entry on your list. 

DAYS 4 through the end of four weeks or pre-determined time span

Continue in the same manner… each day tackling another task and notating when it has been accomplished. 

DAY 30 

Assess your progress. If all of the activities have not yet been completed, calculate a structured extension of time and continue the process while staying moored to a regular schedule. 

Add items to your list if there are more matters you want to tackle. There is no need to feel overwhelmed by the volume. But remember that every action you’ve already taken… every piece of preparation you’ve already provided… will become a welcome asset in the end. Just keep adding value to your contributions.

DAY 31

If all of your objectives have been met, revel in a satisfied feeling of achievement. Decide how you will inform your family members about the gift you have prepared for them. Contact them and ask for feedback about what you have done and the preferences you have determined. Be sure they know where the data you have collected can be accessed.

Once you are satisfied with the outcome of your initiatives, joyfully and thankfully bask in the realization that this exercise was just a drill and you are fully alive. But now you can live your life more at ease, knowing you are prepared for the day when it will end… knowing that you have provided your family with procedural guidelines and informational apparatus. You will have enabled them to douse the embers of potentially flammable end-of-life management, sparing them from a flaming emotional inferno stoked by neglect. 

FOLLOWUP MEASURES

Review each item on the list to determine which ones warrant further exploration and action. This step may entail additional online perusal and on-site visits to providers. Filter the list and extract certain ones to establish a new list for broader investigation. Begin tackling the items in a more detailed manner on a regular basis, but according to your preferred schedule. You are apt to be pleasantly surprised by the expansive options and innovations in the funerary domain.

Once all the entries on your list have been addressed and completed to your satisfaction, contact family members to arrange a means for communication about your additional input.

SAMPLE LIST of Possibilities for Daily (or Periodic) Tasks

___  Notate locations of important documents and personal data,

       including vehicle registrations and insurance documentation.

___ Write biographical summary with details needed for death certificate.

___ Gather and notate all computer passwords. 

       Record answers to common security questions for various accounts.

       Record numeric combinations for properties and belongings.

       Note locations of keys, entry alarm codes, phone lock numbers, etc.

       Determine place for storage of numbers and keys for

       easy accessibility by family. Sign up for a password manager service

       if desired.

___ Make a list of emails and phone numbers of family, friends, and other 

      people from current and previous stages of your life who should be

      notified of your death.

___ Find and print a list of matters generally needed to be addressed after

      someone dies or notate a computer link as part of your

      accessible resources for family members. 

___ Record instructions specific to household tasks that would need to be

      managed immediately after your death.

___ Decide which means you prefer for documentation of your end-of-life

      wishes. Explore digital services for storage of personal data,

      preferences, and arrangements; if one is chosen, sign up to begin 

      using it.

___ Learn about options for bodily disposition (burial, cremation, 

      alkaline hydrolysis, recomposition, donation for medical education,

      scientific research, forensic studies, polymer-modeling education, etc.), 

      note your choice, and contact the relevant organization if 

      arrangements must be made ahead of time. Note how you feel 

      about organ and tissue donations; register as a donor if desired.

___ Identify features important to you in choosing a funeral home.  

      Explore funeral home websites and note preference/s. If arrangements

      or payments have already been made, note location of paperwork and

      receipts.

___ Explore cemetery and memorial park websites. Note preference/s.

___ Choose photos to use for obituary notices and commemorative 

       purposes.

___ Record any main points you would like included in an obituary.

___ Explore possible alternative means for obituary publications. 

___ Fill out a questionnaire about choices for funerary arrangements.

___ Fill out forms for advance directives dictating preferences for 

      end-of-life care. Choose a healthcare agent (and alternate) to act on

      your behalf, in case circumstances pose a need.

___ Use an online resource or contact an attorney to prepare a legal will.

      Prepare a power-of-attorney document, appointing someone 

      to manage your business and legal affairs if you are unable to do so.

___ Write an ethical will to convey your viewpoints and wisdom.

___ Explore creative alternatives to standard recipients of memorial

      contributions, with an eye toward focusing on ones that would reflect

      your personage.

___ Open a POD (Totten Trust) bank account, naming a beneficiary 

      to assure immediate access to funds upon death.

___ Explore possible sites for commemorative affairs.

___ Identify elements you consider important for inclusion in funerary 

      observances (religious, cultural, military, etc.).

___ Review bereavement literature and/or services. Identify certain

      resources for loved ones.

___ Write details pertaining to your life about which you’d like family 

      to know.

___ Write your thoughts and ideas for dissolution of your dwelling,

      including donation suggestions, family dispersal strategies, and

      contact info for downsizing and estate-sale businesses.

___ Meet with a financial planning or estate planning advisor to formulate 

      a wrap-up plan.

___ Explore hospice options in your community in case of need.

___ Compile a “helping hands” list of participatory contributions that 

      would likely be appreciated by family, to be readily accessed following

      your death when caring folks ask what they can do to help.

___ Explore websites of providers in your community who offer

      supplemental services, such as end-of-life doulas and funerary

      celebrants. Become familiar with their roles and notate preliminary 

      impressions.

___ Watch informative videos and read about embalming prior to notating

      whether or not you would want your body embalmed.

      

___ If your choice is for reduction of remains, launch online window

      shopping to discover the vast array of urns and other containment

      options. Alternatively, if burial is planned, peruse traditional as well as

      novel casket/coffin merchandise. Consider what type of outer burial

      receptacle you prefer (basic concrete or more costly vault) if such a

      purchase is likely to be necessary. 

      Notate preferences and include photos of any merchandise you

      especially favor.

___ If you are opting for reduction of remains, scavenge through websites 

      to discover multitudinous ways they can be incorporated into items

      or utilized in novel manners. Note any that might be possibilities for

      you.

___ Read about alternative funerary approaches, such as family

      management at home (home funerals) and natural burials. 

      Note any aspects of them that appeal to you, even if you or your family

      would be opposed to the physical care of your body.

 

___ Play with words to formulate possible epitaphs for a headstone or 

      grave marker.

___ Look online at pictures of memorial stones. Note your preferences and

       include photos if any are especially desirable.

___ Walk through your home, identifying belongings you’d like passed on 

       to loved ones as keepsakes. Make a list of them and take pictures, 

       including names of potential recipients. Note any special significance

       or history of items.

___ Think about objects that relate to your associations with people in your

       life. Peruse online businesses that sell mementos. Note any things

       you might want given to guests at a commemorative event or to 

       certain individuals because of their inherent significance.

___ List valuable items you own and assign monetary values. Gather

      purchase receipts. Take pictures of the items.

___ Check protocols for each of your social media accounts. Identify your 

      wishes for memorial oversight or closure. Make a list of the 

      accounts, with instructions for a family member to manage the

      ones that can be perpetuated after death.

___ Write your thoughts pertaining to how you would like to be 

      remembered. What would you like your legacy to be?

___ Make a list of other matters you would like to address that relate to 

      your own circumstances

“Protective gear” is readily available. 

Abundant online resources can be easily accessed for information. 

FROGS AS ROLE MODELS FOR PREPLANNING

FROGS DO IT BETTER!

Is there anyone among the mortal masses who has never heard the term “croaking” flippantly used instead of “dying” in reference to the cessation of one’s existence? Probably not, at least in Western culture where the word is a common colloquialism that helps avert a full frontal view of life’s inescapable ending.  

It’s a versatile word. As a noun, a “croak” is the low, hoarse sound made by a frog. As a verb, it relates to the utterance made by individuals with a sore throat. Somehow, the word “croak” made its way into an 1873 slang dictionary, in which its definition was: “To die – from the gurgling sound a person makes when the breath of life is departing.” A contemporary online dictionary cheerily clarifies the definition by noting, “When people croak, they need either a glass of water or an undertaker.”

So the death rattle apparently led to adoption of this handy word as a breezily glib term for dying. When this fact of life must be mentioned, yet forthright terminology is too intimidating, the camouflaged representation does the trick and gets the message across.  

This offhanded vernacular definition of “croaking” invites its relevant application as a figurative concept. When frogs emit their distinctive sounds, they are heard far and wide. These creatures of audible distinction can serve as vociferous role models for human beings when it comes to end-of-life planning. “Croaking” can be an expression of foresighted benefaction for family members, rendered by making one’s voice heard through some form of declaration. A proclamation of preferences or intentions for one’s death management can be a resonant form of expression and communication… modeled after the announcements of croaking creatures who are utterly adept at vocalized transmission.      

So maybe the term, “funeral preplanning” should be changed to “frog emulation,” with effective croaking as the goal.  

For our local “Exiter University” programs addressing death education, frogs are on hand as visual reminders of this objective. They represent an opportunity for action and articulation. Upon beginning the process of funerary advance planning, a learner’s outlook might be suggestive of a tadpole – unremarkable and much like others, perhaps assuming that one’s end-of-life affairs will be repeats of standard versions, without acknowledging and celebrating individual features. As a result of coming together and sharing information, maybe one’s mortality mindset morphs into some version of a noisy frog – eventually broadcasting one’s unique defining characteristics and a strong voice projected for beloved familial companions to observe. The primary thrust of this educational venture entreats transformation of personal attitudes toward preparing for death coupled with activation of communication about its management.     

So, to all who are ready to hop into this field of endeavor… hear ye, hear ye!  First, explore the invigorating funerary territory marked by color, novelty, and energizing stimulation… then let your voice be heard so you can:

*****

Definition:  http://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/2012/01/croak.html

Quotation:  https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/croak

MOURNING EXPRESSION

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Where did the stiff upper lip originate?  According to Wikipedia…

“One who has a stiff upper lip displays fortitude in the face of adversity, or exercises great self-restraint in the expression of emotion. The phrase is most commonly heard as part of the idiom ‘keep a stiff upper lip’, and has traditionally been used to describe an attribute of British people (particularly upper-middle and upper class), who are sometimes perceived by other cultures as being unemotional. A sign of weakness is trembling of the upper lip; hence the saying, keep a stiff upper lip. When someone’s upper lip begins to tremble, it is one of the first signs that the person is scared or shaken by experiencing deep emotion.” *

So anyone with British ancestry might be able to evoke a genetic reason for one’s own stoic posture.  But what about members of American society?  Why do eyewitnesses often feel uncomfortable when in the presence of someone whose face is distorted due to the seeping of fluid from lachrymal ducts?  What is there about it that is disturbing to witness? 

Probably it relates to a societal condemnation of behaviors that exemplify loss of control.  And perhaps sublime appearance is so coveted that any threat to composure must be suppressed.  In the case of a woman, is it objection to facial collapse and unconcealed slime disrupting the pretty mask of cosmetic perfection?  Emanating from a man, the overt shedding of tears may simply imply reduction… an impotency of demeanor that potentially mars the image of “manliness.” 

Doesn’t the death of a beloved companion warrant crippled disorder?  What’s wrong with a sloppy face and flaccidity of spirit?   Why can’t people wear grief on sleeves that are more akin to disheveled weekend attire than crisp workday starchiness? 

Maybe more attention in this regard should be directed toward the onlookers rather than the mourners. Certainly, plenty of literature and bereavement facilitators attest to the value of grieving in whatever manner suits the individual griever. So maybe it’s the guarded observers, the more peripheral mourners, who need psychological evaluation and remedial therapy.  If conditioned, even as children, to the squelching of raw emotions and splashes of sadness, what might be done to help folks tolerate and even promote such announcements of sorrow in others?  

Perhaps the most poignant drift toward attitudinal change is derived from personal loss.  When we experience the death of a loved one, through our own experiences we realize the healing power of tears.  Though crying for some folks isn’t a necessary mourning component, for many it is unavoidable and can’t be stifled – in spite of what stern and stoic “Uncle Rigormortimer” might think about such visibly perceptible utterances. 

“When someone cries as he speaks publicly at a funeral service, people in attendance are apt to produce their own tears of empathy.  Intimate awareness of the raw, excoriating disbelief and despair creates a stirring or awakening of humanity in the midst of death’s darkness.  Such moments are apt to cause an instantaneous peeling away of the insulating layers of protective coatings. The potential for reactivated anguish with recollections of one’s own loss remains close to the surface, probably especially so for people whose own prior grieving has remained static and incomplete.  This transparency of psychic exposure among mourners engenders a human bond, a sense of connectedness that is rarely matched in other situations throughout life.  This occasion when perhaps nothing is hidden, artificial, or contrived… this conspicuous state of emotional nakedness when feelings are unleashed… this purely humane disclosure can be a poignant affirmation of authentic convergence, a ‘tie that binds.’ It prompts folks to reach out to the bereaved and touch them physically, verbally, and through non-spoken gestures as well as through acts of kindness and compassion.  Their intimate involvement enables individuals who may be feeling emotionally abandoned by the loss to feel reassured that they are not alone.” *

In the absence of a personal loss, however, therapeutic support might be rendered more effectively if individuals examine their ingrained attitudes – beyond those they contrive for the sake of public display. Consider how one might help offset the emotional “Botox effect” so that grieving faces can sag.  Recognize that just as mourners must take in nutrients for physical sustenance, for psychological sustenance they need the freedom to let out expressions.  Allow anguish to be seen. Let unrestrained contortions be exposed.  Embolden a flowing of the grieving mind’s rivers.  While honoring the dead, honor living faces drenched in heartache.

As humans, we are supposedly of a higher order than other creatures on earth.  That is, we have greater capabilities that enable us to accomplish complex functions.  Have you ever seen a squirrel cry?  Or a kangaroo or a cow?  In many ways we are blessed by our human potential.  So let’s revel in our ability as homo sapiens to channel and release our feelings through tears. As a mourner, or when in the company of bereaved individuals, let the floodgates open without attempting to impose a dam of resistance.  Instead of permitting our internal waterspouts to get rusty, let’s open up these mechanisms that are ever ready to spring into action and cleanse our souls.

*Stiff upper lip reference:  Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stiff_upper_lip)

modified on January 25, 2015

*Quoted passage from the book, Pondering Leaves:  Composing and Conveying Your Life Story’s Epilogue,” Page 22. 

Book Website

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CREATE A GREAT FUNERAL DAY

A GIFT-GIVING HOLIDAY

An article written by Gail Rubin, an end-of-life pre-planning advocate and educator, highlights this October 30^th holiday established in 1999 by Stephanie West Allen.  Having witnessed the difficulties her own relatives faced upon the death of individuals who had not declared funerary preferences, she conceived this annual occasion to emphasize the wisdom of addressing – while alive – the practicalities and life celebration aspects of death management.

As Allen noted, “The people who are left behind are so grateful to have this already done.”  It is a gift to family members.  When they know they are following through on their loved one’s wishes, the proceedings can be so much more meaningful for them.

Reference is made to the “Terror Management Theory” within the realm of social psychology.  This postulate suggests that all human behavior is governed by one’s realization that death is inevitable in spite of a desire to live, thereby generating a uniquely human conflict that produces terror.  Does this explain why people generally exhibit a disinclination to examine matters of death and plan in advance for it? 

Can the glaring societal avoidance syndrome be remedied by courageously confronting and exploring what Gail Rubin notes as “mortality salience,” a term that defines awareness of one’s own eventual demise?  She identifies the value of Create A Great Funeral Day in that it “prompts us to be mindful and self-aware, to plan reflectively in advance, rather than in reaction after someone dies.” 

In the absence of pre-planning, funeral affairs may be perfunctory and as flat as a bottle of soda without any fizz.  Allen refers to the “rent-a-minister” approach whereby the speaker may describe elements of the decedent’s life in spite of never having known him, or deliver standard theological oratory that’s contrary to that person’s (and the guests’) tenets.    

Because of its special designation in the context of pre-planning, October 30^th affords an opportunity to pause and contemplate funerary choices along with aspects of one’s life considered worth remembering. It is a day for pondering and a day for action.  It is a day to become proactive, take the bull by the horn, and declare in some form your own personal preferences.  It is a way to avoid what Allen has dubbed “a facelift funeral,” the unfortunate consequence of going through the motions without answering the emotional needs of mourners. Such a “cookie cutter” approach neglects incorporating personalized elements that render positive experiences for the living and a sense of continued connection with the beloved individuals who have died.      

So this year when you rise and shine on October 30^th, consider rising to the occasion and initiating a new venture.  Be amazed by the plethora of options – many of which are unique and intriguing – for choosing courses of actions and recording them on paper or via a computer file.  

Mourning Dove Studio

Find out how exploration and decision making for life’s last milestone can be surprisingly enjoyable. Think of all you’ve contributing to the welfare of your family and add this to the list.  During the remainder of your lifetime, revisit your preference record of choices each year when this holiday rolls around, make changes according to your current outlook, realize that you have composed a wonderful gift for your family, and revel in the fact that you are prepared!

Avoid a “Facelift Funeral” with Create a Great Funeral Day 

by Gail Rubin

A GOOD GOODBYE ARTICLE
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