MEMORY BEAR WORKSHOPS

Journey Journal... Punta Gorda, Florida

BEARABLE LOSS:
STITCHING TOGETHER THE FABRIC OF LIFE

After someone dies, purging a closet of that person’s wardrobe is often a painfully gut-wrenching task… an albatross of grieving.  Clothing is linked to identity, conferring tantalizing evidence of embodied presence – no longer in the flesh, but at least in the mind.  People tend to retain such articles of apparel for lengthy periods of time, yearning to hang on rather than letting go.

Some funeral homes have acknowledged this tendency imbued with an implication of need by offering an opportunity to retain selected snippets of the decedent’s clothes, but in a different form.  The Charlotte Memorial Funeral Home is among those conducting memory bear workshops.  

Twice a year, individuals who have experienced recent losses are invited to attend a Saturday gathering, bringing remnants of their loved ones’ clothing to be transformed into stuffed teddy bears. They are joined by a cadre of volunteers who provide guidance and manage the cutting, sewing, and stuffing operations.  Prior to completion, a small heart with a brief notation is embedded inside the bear. 

Source:  Florida Weekly 

Bereaved participants’ hands-on involvement renders the final product all the more meaningful. The event transpires over the course of several hours, interrupted only by provision of morning snacks and a light lunch.  

By mid afternoon, people who arrived with swatches of fabric leave with their cuddly cloth buddies, enabling them to embrace their memories.  These portable items of poignant significance, though new to them in form, bespeak companionable familiarity.  

At the Waid Funeral Home in Merrill, Wisconsin, workshop participants often have chosen to apply details specifically tailored to the person who died.  Before they arrive with their materials, including bags of fiberfill and buttons for eyes and noses, probably some folks have already constructed images of the final products in their minds.  They may bring any decorative additions that will personalize their creations, such as eyeglasses, name tags coordinating with uniforms, a piece of jewelry, as well as other forms of ornamentation or identity accoutrements.   

Source:  Facebook - Anna Winningham

Volunteers are on hand with patterns amid a sea of sewing machines ready for action.  

Source:  Facebook - Anna Winningham

Source:  Facebook - Anna Winningham

The room is alive with purposeful activity, facilitating interaction among individuals who have suffered losses along with the volunteers who want to help them heal.  

Source:  Facebook - Anna Winningham

A collage of fabric pieces may comprise the body.

Source:  Facebook - Waid Funeral Home

Sometimes a photo is employed as a guide for the design or as a comrade in spirit.

Source:  Facebook - Anna Winningham

Multiple family members may bring multiple teddy bears into existence.  

Source:  Facebook - Anna Winningham

Outfits may feature an item of clothing over the tight “skin” of the animal’s body.  

Source:  Facebook - Anna Winningham

Initiation of the endeavor at this funeral home evolved after learning of family members who had used their grandfather’s work and hunting shirts to fashion these types of teddy bears.  As gifts for Christmas, all the grandchildren had been given their own, with a directive to wrap their arms around the bear whenever they felt a need for a hug.  

The Mattson Funeral Home in Forest Lake, Minnesota, is another facility that hosts biannual memory bear workshops.  

Source: Facebook - Heartley Bears

The venture originated after the mother, grandmother, and aunt of the funeral home’s co-owner made more than twenty bears as gifts for children and grandchildren.  

Source: Facebook - USA Today Video

They were dubbed, “Heartley Bears,” to reflect the name of his grandfather, Hartley, whose favorite shirts from fishing trips and family outings were the basis for the sewn creations. 

Several hundreds of bears have been designed there since the project's inception in 2008. 

Source: Facebook - USA Today Video

Source (2): Facebook - Heartley Bears

One woman used a pair of her husband’s jeans because that was his usual garb.  She tucked in  wooden heart with a message of affection for her deceased husband.  

A mother and her three daughters attended a workshop in advance of their loved one’s imminent death.  For their bears that would become cherished mementos of their grandfather’s life, each child was allowed to select the item of clothing that would be used.  One of them, a five-year-old girl, chose her grandfather’s swim trunks.  

During the lifetime of an eighty-nine-year-old woman, she had five children who generated twenty-two grandchildren and forty-eight great-grandchildren.  Many of the females – her daughters, granddaughters, and great-granddaughters – gathered at a  workshop after her death.  Collectively, they applied a variety of personal touches to their bears.  One carried a hanky, and another had a mint in its hand… reminiscent of characteristic habits.  Since pearls had been the woman’s favorite jewelry, they were featured on another.  A granddaughter, who had at one time made a pink scarf as a gift, tied it around her bear’s neck.  

A loved one's devotion to a sport or a particular team inspires some stylistic variations.  

Source: Facebook - Heartley Bears

A single aspect of one's life history may dictate the style.

Source: Facebook - Heartley Bears

The bear construction initiative at the Mattson facility has garnered widespread interest and substantial participation.  A Facebook page specific to it relates details of the ongoing projects, along with acknowledgements of appreciation for their army of volunteers.  
Multiple photos illustrate uniquely created figures.  

Source:  funeralfund.blogspot.com

Source: Facebook - Heartley Bears

Source:  funeralfund.blogspot.com

Source: Facebook - Heartley Bears

Source: Facebook - Heartley Bears

Pictures of the finished products tell only part of the story.  A peripheral yet pivotal aspect of this activity is the sense of connection and camaraderie that is woven throughout the experience. While engaged in this purposeful mission, individuals readily relate to one another through supportive gestures.  Whether in the role of a volunteer or as someone touched recently by the sorrow of death, participants have a chance to share their sentiments and stitch strong personal threads, thereby interfacing these folks together in a tie that binds. 

Source: Facebook - USA Today Video

The popularity of memory bear projects for grieving individuals suggests that a need is being met through this type of workshop that has been established for them.  It reinforces a realization that ordinary materials readily overlooked during life can become treasures of conscious associations after a dear one has died.  

Source: Facebook - USA Today Video

"These teddy bears comfort in a very personal way"

USA Today video - Mattson workshop

"Charlotte Memorial Memory Bear Workshop set for March 7"

Florida Weekly

"Waid offers Memory Bear event"

Merrill Foto News

Facebook Page

Photos by Anna Winningham

Waid Funeral Home Facebook Page

Heartley Bears

Facebook

"In Forest Lake funeral home's teddy bear workshops, the hugs live on"

Pioneer Press

"Mattson Funeral Home Provides Comfort Disguised as a Teddy Bear"

Funeral Fund blog

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HOME FUNERALS

HOMEBODIES AMID WALLFLOWERS

It’s a four-letter word that implies rapport rather than dissonance. 

It’s where the heart is.

It’s often a haven… a refuge from worldly chaos.

It’s where enduring memories are made.

HOME is so much more than a building.  Before society relied on hospitals and funeral establishments, it was even a place for birth and death… for penetrating immersion in life’s beginnings and endings.

Through the evolution of generational cycles of resurgence, new forms arise.  In these modern times, a funerary practice of the past has resurfaced as an option in the present.  Although people aren’t necessarily aware of it, they can provide after-death care and conduct commemorations in a residential home or at an alternative site where the decedent had lived.   

State laws determine the extent to which such ministrations and related activities can take place.  Though a few states require services of a funeral director for a limited number of specified tasks, most allow families to determine just how much direct participation suits them.  Generally, they may attend to a few, many, or all details independently and informally amid familiar surroundings.

Advocates of this practice note that participation of relatives and friends, including children, can be a life-changing and enriching experience as natural processes are witnessed and the reality of death is tangibly realized.  By adopting functional roles, a feeling of helplessness can be counteracted.  A sense of purpose as a team member can be therapeutic. 

A wide range of opportunities for involvement makes it possible for people to engage themselves in ways that are most comfortable for them.  It can be a matter of merely keeping a decedent’s body on the premises for a while, sometimes up to three days or for a shorter time, even if death occurred elsewhere.  Participants may simply choose to fill out and file paperwork, namely, for the death certificate that will have to be filed in order to obtain permits.  Or some may become connected to the transactions by writing an obituary or memorial announcement, or by transporting the body to a cemetery or crematory in an ordinary vehicle – usually a van, truck, or sport utility vehicle.  Otherwise, funeral home personnel can be delegated to take care of those matters.

Physical preparation for final disposition can be done in a home, if desired.  This typically entails washing and dressing a body in garments that may have been chosen by the decedent or by the family.  Then dry ice is placed in a pillowcase or towels and positioned underneath and around the body on a bed or in a casket.  Bodies can be maintained this way under cool conditions for about two to three days. A body may be placed on top of flower petals or covered with a sprinkling of them; it may lie on a bed of aromatic cedar chips or other matter deemed significant to the person’s life. 

Some folks want only to spend a few hours with their loved ones, sitting or lying nearby, touching, singing, listening to music, or engaging in a previously shared activity.  Either a private gathering of close family members or an open house visitation with meals and camaraderie among friends may be preferred. In a spirit of community among the mourners, a simple pine or cardboard box may be built and/or decorated (maybe even prior to the event by the person who had been terminally ill), a basic urn may be embellished, or people may create some other type of funerary art.  The interior and exterior of a casket may be adorned with representative thematic elements, mementos, and expressions, or painted in colors that were favorites or those that pertain to an aspect of the individual’s experiences, such as school or team colors.

Personally conducted ceremonies may be held, with poems, stories, songs, rituals, and caring gestures, often exuding originality and reflecting religious, cultural, or pivotal influences. Home-based gatherings can be combined with faith-based rituals conducted in places of worship. 

Sometimes family and friends even handle the final disposition.  This might include digging a grave and placing the body in it, witnessing a cremation, or scattering cremated remains.

So home funerals can have different meanings for different people.  But the approach is governed by flexibility and the varying predispositions of those involved.  Regardless of the degree of participation by family and friends, their initiatives can be jointly intertwined with funeral directors’ services, even utilizing their facilities for some or most of the operations and affairs. 

Proponents of this approach to death management cite many benefits.  Embalming is not done.  More time in the presence of the decedent allows for gradual adjustment to the loss with flexibility for viewing, visitation, and ceremonies.  It is believed that within this context, when all of one’s senses are exposed to death, it is understood better.  That is, the unknown becomes known and the grieving process is facilitated.  Family members have more control than they would otherwise.  Such an intimate act of caring is more personal and inspires a spirit of community. The mood among those gathered can range from tranquil to enlivening and can unfold spontaneously.  In accustomed surroundings, people can express emotions freely and do whatever they want outside the confines of a strict schedule and without feeling self-conscious about being observed or supervised.  Honest discussions with children about death can occur more naturally in these settings.  The home environment promotes uniqueness and offers creative outlets that may be especially cathartic for people who are having difficulty articulating their feelings.  And without employing consumptive funerary services and products, personal ministrations can be economical.

However, the hands-on element of a family-centered approach is not for everyone.  The prospect of being in the perpetual presence of a deceased body could readily be regarded as startling.  Assuming responsibility for handling the details might seem overwhelming.  For future mourners disinclined to choose this alternative avenue, it is always reassuring to know that specialists in the funeral industry are ready and willing to shift into high gear and provide the essential services. 

Otherwise, people who intend to be involved extensively as home-based providers should prepare themselves ahead of time, ideally, through structured workshops so they will know what to expect. 

There has been national recognition of the home funeral reincarnation.  Educational materials are available through organizations that advance the concept via literature, presentations, and in-service education programs. The online Home Funeral Directory has a roster with contact information to access supporters and organizations that provide information and assistance.  “Death care consultants” or “home funeral guides” offer families specific instructions and suggestions through workshops and consultations as well as personal on-site guidance at the time of death.

Though ancestors routinely engaged in such practices, this is not something that can be done at the drop of a hat or, rather, upon the sudden drop of a person.  If interest and inclinations are pre-determined, pathways of preparation will pave the way most optimally to a gratifying and memorable experience.

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Certain segments excerpted from 

Pondering Leaves:  Composing and Conveying Your Life Story's Epilogue

DEATH CAFE IN FLORIDA

JOURNEY JOURNAL... Gainesville, Florida

TAMING THE LAST TABOO

It’s called a Death Café.  It’s not so much a place as an experience.  People, typically strangers, gather together in the presence of food to launch unstructured and unconstrained discussions about mortality and its manifestations. There are no agendas, objectives, or themes, and no intention of leading people to conclusions, courses of actions, or products. Grief support or personal counseling are not permitted within this channel.  During a two-hour period of time, discussions flow according to spontaneous interactions.   A blank slate of opportunity enables participants to release any death-related thoughts or pose questions to which others may react.

The idea for these branded meetings was sparked in Europe.  During 2004 the earliest versions of social gatherings for this purpose were inaugurated in Switzerland, quickly spreading to Belgium and France.  In 2011 Jon Underwood began hosting such events in the United Kingdom, primarily in London. As a web designer, he laid an Internet foundation detailing principles, guidelines, and rules to be followed by anyone who would want to host such affairs under the official nomenclature and operational model of this non-profit “social franchise.”  Thereafter, the concept migrated to North America, with the first session in Columbus, Ohio on July 19, 2012.  It was hosted by Lizzy Miles, a hospice volunteer and social worker, and Maria Johnson, a grad school cohort with a shared interest in hospice and end-of-life issues; both are “twenty-somethings” in age. 

While it might be presumed that participants would tend toward elderhood, it may be surprising to note that young people blend with older folks in these settings. Organizers are motivated to become hosts for different reasons.  Some are practitioners who deal with issues of death, but others simply see the value of stimulating such conversations in their communities.

The impetus that inspired Carissa, a young host in Ohio, may be deduced from her comment that she had been given a second chance at life.  She noted that, “While we discuss death, what we really are talking about, is life.”  Excitement about hosting stemmed from her viewpoint that everyone who attends one of these meetings has a story or an experience to share about life and death. 

Sometimes the facilitator tosses out a question to invigorate the discussion, but otherwise functions primarily as a peer participant.  The role of this individual also includes assuming responsibility for locating a place to hold the event, publicizing it, and assuring availability of food… possibly cake and beverages.  Any venue is apt to be suitable, as long as food can be consumed, and often purchased, on site.  If restaurants are used, requests are made for participants to buy food in exchange for use of the space.  Meetings may also be held in homes.  A comfortable setting likely to induce casual conversation is the underlying objective.

A comfortable setting certainly was the case on March 9^th, 2014 when an inaugural Death Café took place inside a stunning lodge on the grounds of the Prairie Creek Preserve. 

Amidst rustic splendor in an expansive, high-ceiling space, an impressive conglomerate of young and old individuals representing varied stations in life joined the ever-enlarging circle of participants. 

A young woman who aims to become a funeral director served as the host, provider of varied food selections, and apparent solicitor of friends who attended in support of the initiative.  She was the first to speak, offering introductory guidelines, but promptly delegated the group to take over.  From then on, there were no interactive lapses as such topical threads as these were woven into the fabric of thought-provoking material:

Our culture as it relates to mortality was one consideration.  It was noted that death is sensationalized in movies and through other channels of image conveyance, perpetuating violence in society instead of suppressing it.  Such erroneous manifestations in the media don’t mesh with what it’s really like when a person dies.    

What is the perfect death?  Someone expressed a hope for fading away without suffering, with an opportunity for “closure” prior to it.  The image of a grandson kissing a woman was introduced.

Input from a nurse who had cared for dying individuals was based on a perception that an observer can tell when someone is ready to die.

The topic of voluntary euthanasia, or assisted suicide, emerged relative to questioning its justification as a way to preempt suffering, sustaining a sense of autonomy and dignity.

How do people react to someone whose life circumstances make the prospect of death far less formidable than usual, and possibly even welcome – a glaring diversion from conventional attitudes?  Is it possible to think differently about this when one hears of a person who perpetually fears murder and is on guard because others in her circle have been killed?  Can the average person who runs away from death understand why someone in this position would just as soon take her own life?          

One individual expressed a hope to come back to earth in some form that’s productive for nature. 

And so it progressed, moving from one realm to the next, with all commentary hinging on matters of death.  Toward the end of this session the host tossed out a question that elicited further responses. A second Death Café that would be scheduled for the following month was announced.  It is but one of a growing number of such meetings that are taking place worldwide. 

A convivial group of mostly strangers left the premises with food for thought, many of them after taking a detour to the kitchen for some additional life-sustaining food for their bodies.

The metaphorical closet of demise denial – ordinarily pigeonholed into a dark corner by fearful avoidance – had been opened.  Perhaps as folks left the building they had all the more reason to embrace life.

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*List of upcoming Death Cafes in different parts of the United States as well as other  countries:  http://deathcafe.com/deathcafes/

*Guidelines for hosting a Death Cafe:  http://deathcafe.com/how/

 *Informative Articles:        NPR article                   Huffington Post article

 *Death Cafe on Facebook

 Referenced quotation from:  http://deathcafe.com/deathcafe/337/

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